Judgement: a lesson for today

Here's some of that Killer instinct nagging at me, reminding me, telling me what I need to know.

When we don’t judge our moments, our creations, ourselves--or others--as good or bad, we can begin to find serenity.

~Diane Detwiler-Zapp, MA, LCP

Think I needed this today. How about you?

When perspective matters

As we stood near the cottonwoods on a dirt trail, bordering a wide creek bed, I laughed at what I saw as my boyfriend's weak attempt to let loose in the wilderness.

In our khaki hiking shorts, our tank tops and boots, backpacks filled with water bottles and snacks, sweating in what was turning into a mid-day summer sun, my boyfriend and I were hiking in Sycamore Canyon (a wilderness area in central Arizona's Verde Valley) when we arrived at a wide clearing. The sun beamed over our heads as we walked into the open space to see Sycamore Creek off to the left, the continuing trail about 50 feet ahead. The water looked so inviting, and I was so thrilled to be out there that I ran out into the center of the clearing and yelled up into the sky.

"AHHHHHH!"

Raising my arms, I yelled again, even louder, "AHHHHHHHHH!" It felt good to release that energy. So I turned around and urged my boyfriend to do the same. But he nodded his head.

"C'mon," I told him, "Just let loose." But he wasn't having it.

Me, intending to convince him, kept prodding him until he finally cried out in the tiniest voice, "ah."

We hadn't yet walked a mile, but it was as if he had no energy. "ah." Just like that. No rebel yell. No excitement. Nothing but a little half-hearted peep.

"Is that it? Is that all you've got?"

He looked at me as though he couldn't understand.

I wanted more. I wanted him to feel what I was feeling. Out there in the wilderness, visiting this place I'd never seen before, anticipating the long walk ahead, not knowing what we'd see, I felt a freedom and excitement. I wanted him to feel it, too.

"Are you kidding? C'mon. Give it all you got. Yell as loud as you can. Just for fun." Please!"

I'm pretty sure I saw an eye roll before he turned away from me, so I didn't think I'd worked my charm. But all of a sudden, I heard it.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

He yelled so loud and so long, I jumped back; he'd startled me.

Then, he just stopped and said quietly, "You can expect the black bears to come after us now."

What?

Oh, he was just joking. But this is bear country, and I hadn't thought of that. I just wanted him to yell, to relax. I hadn't thought we'd be disturbing nature by yelling out into the wilderness. I just wanted to have fun.

I hadn't considered a different perspective.

But that's what I'm thinking about this week as I deal with a client's dissatisfaction with my work. It happens. We can't please everyone. And sometimes we take jobs for the wrong reasons, or sometimes we agree to work with someone but the fit doesn't quite match. I wanted more from this job than the client did. I thought the job required more work than he really wanted. Truth is, it was his perspective that mattered here, not mine. And my approach caused a disconnect. I wasn't happy because I was frustrated with how much work was involved. He wasn't happy because I was taking too long. And neither of us were really communicating that.

So how can I avoid this in the future? I'm thinking pre-questionnaire, longer initial interview, avoid e-mail communication and stick to the phone. I'm thinking there must be a solution to deal with what might be an uncomfortable situation at first that is sure to turn into worse later.

So I polled Twitter to see what other writers like me might do in order to approach a client that turns out not to be the right fit.

Heather Boerner says she has a simple solution. She just gets too "busy" and raises her rates to scare them away. But you might not want to try that while you're working with them. So Alycia de Mesa thinks including a cancellation clause in the written contract is a good idea.

Because we own our own mistakes here, we take responsibility for our own choices, and we are learning to be accountable, I'm certainly not upset with my client for reclaiming his work. I think I might have done the same thing if I were in his place. In fact, I might have done it sooner! And, thankfully, I learned a few lessons to pass along to you:

Consider the enjoyment factor
If you're in business for yourself, you get to pick and choose the projects you take on. That's your luxury. If you agree to do a job, and it becomes something you don't enjoy, you should first make the most of it. Complete it as best you can. Don't put it off. Get it off your schedule sooner, rather than later. But if the project becomes difficult to manage in some way, it's best to pick up the phone and talk to the client to discuss how you should proceed. Chances are, if you're not happy, the client's probably not happy, and you can agree to part ways amicably.

Pay attention to perspective
When you agree to do a job for someone else, make sure you're clear about what they want. Can you deliver that? There may be good reason why they want something less than what you think they need. So make sure you can separate yourself enough from the job, recognizing it's not yours. Unless they're hiring your for your consulting services, you must provide only what they're asking for--even if your best advice tells you the job needs more.

If you've ever worked with a client who doesn't seem to be the right fit, or if the work turns out to be nothing more than struggle after struggle, what's your perfect solution? Is it possible to reach the same level of perspective before you sever the ties? What's worked well for you?

Success comes by the numbers

At least that's what I'm thinking today. I have a book that's due to the publisher February 1, and all I can think about is how many words I have left to write and edit before then.

With each 1,000 words I write, I count that as an achievement for the moment. It doesn't matter that I have to edit them before they can be considered complete.

But it will. As the days press on, I can tell I'm in need of lots more moments.

I suppose I could say success comes by the photo as well. In addition to the 50,000 words due, I also have to turn in about 100 photos. I'm missing some, so I'll be digging soon, or getting on the road to get them. Whatever it takes to get the job done on time.

So tell me, what's your definition of success today? Does it change by the project, by the day, by the hour? As you think about that, consider what keeps you on track to reach this success.

Lots to think about, I know, but as I mention frequently here, awareness is such an important factor in forward movement. And we're moving forward...word by word, photo by photo, day by day, minute by minute. Whatever it takes.

Reasons to ride a bicycle: Reason #2

Yesterday, I wrote about one good reason to ride a bike: for the challenge. You will test your limits. You will see growth as it occurs. And that brings me to the next reason to ride a bike.

Reason #2: You'll find awareness.

From the seat of my bike, I learned that awareness is key to all growth, and that a bike can act as the vehicle that attracts this awareness. As I rode, I had to pay attention . I learned to tune into my surroundings. If I didn't do that, I could have gotten hit by a car, run a stop sign, or driven off into a ditch.

And I had to be prepared for this awareness to occur. I had to keep my eyes and ears open. I had to observe. I had to listen. Since there were no distractions, other than what was going on outside of me, it forced me to let go of what was going on inside.

Or, if I wanted to pay attention to that, then I could actually hear my own self-talk, maybe for the first time. In the beginning, what I heard were garbled negative messages. "He's going to leave me. We're going to get divorced. No, maybe we won't. What will I do if we do?" The messages went on and on like that. I realized I was focused on fear, which got me nowhere. My rides were shorter at that time.

From the seat of my bike, however, as I added on the miles, I learned to let go of that nonsense. What did it matter what he was going to do? He cheated--and not just once, but repeatedly. No one deserves that. I didn't deserve that. So I learned to focus not on what he said we'd do--We'll work it out, he'd once told me--but rather what he was actually doing--He left. And then I learned to let him go and focus on me, instead.

That was difficult to do. It took lots and lots of meetings with my therapist and many, many conversations with other people for me to realize what I needed to do for me. I'd put my faith in this man, in the ideal picture that he painted for me of our family. But he lied. He hadn't earned my trust.

And though I felt as though I was losing a lot, I learned to pay attention to how I felt inside and to be okay with those feelings. Of course, I was losing something. But I gained something I didn't even realize I'd lost--my life. Where, in the beginning, I felt like little more than a shell of a woman, now I was beginning to refill that shell--one part of me at time. And those parts involved accepting how I really felt about what was happening to me. I learned to become aware of what it felt like to feel sadness, fear, anger, the miniscule amounts of joy that would seep in every now and then. I learned to cry for myself, for the little girl inside of me, for the loss of what once was. And I learned to embrace what was happening now.

If I felt anger, I learned not to be so quick to shut it aside. I started listening to it and to access where it came from. Was it because of something he said or did? Was it because of something I said or did? Was it because I was acting out of spite or behaving too timidly? I learned to consider my motives before taking action or responding to requests. I learned to trust that my response would be appropriate for me.

I also realized that I had to stay ahead of the game we were now playing. Even though I didn't like this game--I hadn't asked to play it, and I certainly didn't know all the rules--I learned to trust that I'd know what to do when it was my turn to move. I began to pay attention to my own intelligence.

My bike rides gave me the time I needed to consider my options. They also taught me just how important awareness is to who we are at our core. The rides allowed me to forget trusting him and learn to trust myself. The time on my bike taught me to be cautious and led me to reconnect with my instincts in ways I never had before. I had not learned how to pay attention to my gut, because my childhood had not prepared me for that.

I learned this important skill while riding my bike.

If you think you could benefit from learning how to pay attention, to become aware, to listen to what your mind, body and soul tells you, it might be a good idea to get a bike. You can transfer what you need to do for survival on the seat of your bike into what you need to do to survive your life at home or at work. That's what I did, and it saved my life.

Don't you think that's a good reason to ride a bike?

Bloggers Unite

Thanks to Debbie Petras over at Heart Choices, I learned about World AIDS Day and posted about several awareness events going on in Phoenix today at my travel blog. To learn more, visit the World Health Organization, Bloggers Unite, or Debbie's blog.

Help spread the word and save lives.

All my best,
Jackie

My first BIKE coaching client

I'm in my third week of coaching my first client (though this one's pro bono) on finding her own BIKE. It's going well. I'm amazed at the ease with with our conversation flows. She's in the Pacific Coast, and I'm here in Arizona, so this is all being done by phone.

But since we've been meeting like this, she's really moving along. And what's even better? She really is coming into her own solutions. No matter how stuck you might feel at any given moment, you really do know your own answers. It's just a matter of learning how to pay attention to your needs, your wants, your desires--and then defining your goals to fit your true self. When your goals match your values, you're going to have an easier time of getting there, because you'll use the systems and processes that work best for you or that you automatically find yourself moving toward. It's that awareness I've been talking about.

It's so important to know how your values play into your vision. When we forget that, or don't even bother to consider that, it becomes so easy to get lost. We might not even know where we're going. We just know to get up and do things. But we're doing it without awareness, or a sense of purpose.

Like makes so much more sense when you live it with purpose.

Your own special brand of BIKE, like mine, will help lead the way, if you let it. That doesn't mean you won't get lost, ever, or take detours. You probably will. That's what those pesky little challenges sometimes do to us. They get in the way, and we get sidetracked. But with BIKE, you'll find your way back to the path that's going to take you forward.

That path can be defined only by you. But I can help. If you'd like to talk to me about that, shoot me an e-mail.

All my best,
Jackie

Awareness is key

I'm out of town this week, doing research for my travel guide. So I'll be posting a few quick thoughts to help you consider how you're handling your own challenges these days.

One thing I'd like to point out that occured to me during my bike rides--and it was something that I learned later to apply to other areas in my life--was the need to be aware. I believe I've mentioned this before, but riding a bike on a street that carries a lot of traffic meant I had to pay careful attention if I wanted to arrive back home safely.

There were several times where I could have easily gotten clipped by a car that pulled out too far past a stop sign and didn't see me. It's a bit jarring, to say the least, to see a big truck, for instance, coming at you full speed and you're just on a skimpy little mountain bike. Even though I do wear a helmit, I wouldn't be so sure that would save my life. So I learned quickly that when I'm riding anywhere near traffic I do need to pay attention. In certain circumstances, I may have the right of way, but it won't matter if the driver in a car is speeding, can't slow down soon enough, or doesn't see me coming. It was easy for me to see that I really needed to be responsible for my own life. I couldn't exactly expect someone else to do that for me.

It's like that in a relationship as well. If it turns sour, you may not see it coming, but if you're paying attention, the odds are that you will. You might even be able to turn the situation around if you catch it in time. But if you can't turn it around and right the relationship, at least you can save yourself. If you know what's coming--and you don't ignore it--you'll be better prepared to handle what comes next. That is, if you pay attention.

Learning to become aware is about developing that sixth sense, your intuition.

So here's a question for you to think about as you begin a new week:

Can you think of a time when you felt that something wasn't going quite right in your life, you didn't know exactly what it was, but you were aware--what did you do about it? If you ignored it at first, did the feeling coming back? What happened then? If you can come up with several instances of awareness, journaling about them might help you begin to see a pattern. What you don't want to see is a pattern, for example, that illustrates that you tend to ignore problems even when you're aware of them.

This was an issue I had to work on with my therapist. I wasn't aware I ignored my problems in the hopes they'd go away, or that they'd correct themselves over time. I wasn't aware I was doing that, but I was. And problems don't just go away. They generally just get worse...until there's no turning back or you reach that dead end.

Awareness is key to solving many of our personal challenges. I'll say this again and again, because it's that important. If you think you have an issue with this, don't hesitate for a second to call a counselor. A good one will help you correct this behavior pattern. Sometimes, all it takes is becoming aware that you're not aware.

All my best,
Jackie

Weddings--the second generation

My daughter's getting married next week. We've been quite busy around here these last few days with final wedding preparations, including cleaning up in time for guest arrival.

The beauty of that is that my office is neat again. I can see there's a real floor down there, and the piles are put away. It's a good feeling to relinguish myself of the excess paper.

However, during hectic times like these, it's easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle and forget to breathe. Between cleaning the house, scheduling the carpet cleaner, meeting with my daughter to discuss wedding plans and what bills need to be paid--NOW--and also trying to fit a little work in between, I keep catching myself forgetting to breathe.

When I observe this, it's a nice reminder for me to get outside, take advantage of the warm weather, and go for a long walk.

Breathing comes easier when you let it happen. The next time you catch yourself getting worked up about whatever stresser is going on in your life--even if it's good stress, like the kind that comes with wedding planning--and if the weather's nice enough, remember to give yourself a break. Consider going for a walk. It's a simple and healthy way to relax your mind, body and soul.

Walking is also good way to connect with who you are when you're not in turmoil. Even if you give yourself just ten or fifteen minutes, when you recognize you need it, give yourself that necessary break from what's bugging you.

Remember, BIKE puts you on the path toward being able to notice more quickly what it is you need and then taking action. That walk is more than just a walk, it's part of the journey that feeds your soul. While you're out there, you may notice the flowers that are blooming. Maybe you'll take time to see the different color variations in the sky. Remember when you were a kid and you'd look for faces in the clouds? If there are clouds in your path, look up and find a face. What does it look like? Who does it remind you of? For just a few moments, let yourself get lost in the beauty of nature. Take the mental images back home with you, or back to your office, and be glad that you gave yourself this time. It should put a smile on your face.

Remember, BIKE brings you to awareness. Let yourself be aware of the good things going on in your life.

Enjoy!
Jackie

Missed opportunity

BIKE is about awareness, and this is a story about why it's important to pay attention -- even when you're eavesdropping...

I've mentioned my trip to Sedona a few times already, and I'm still feeling the effects of that trip. I've been thinking, for example, about a specific moment. I was with my boyfriend on this trip, and as we headed out of town to come back home, we stopped off at a creekside restaurant for dinner. We sat out on the patio which overlooks Oak Creek. It was a quiet day, a slight breeze in the air, very relaxing. After the meal, I went to the restroom. On my way back to meet up with my boyfriend by the stairs and head for home, I overheard the conversation going on at one of the tables. It seemed to be a husband, wife, their teenage son, and perhaps a family friend at this table. They were chatting, having a good time.

They were speaking loud enough that it wasn't difficult to hear what was said. When one of the men made a comment about how angry his ex-wife was as I walked by their table, I couldn't help but smirk just a little bit. Though I can't recall his words exactly, they were enough to cause me to make a face while I eavesdropped. The man caught me but didn't take offense. Rather, he invited my boyfriend and I over to their table to join in on the conversation. "We're discussing personal growth issues," he said, "It looks like you might have something to add."

But knowing we wanted to get home, I declined with this reply: "I wouldn't want to bore the poor kid."

"Oh no, you wouldn't. He's been sharing his own knowledge. Listen," and then the guy cojoled the young man into revealing what he knew.

The boy shared the usual stuff..."Don't take drugs. Finish school. Go to college."

It's all good advice we want our kids to adhere to, but it's rote commentary. There's no depth to it, I thought.

Still, I didn't offer my own words of wisdom, nor did my boyfriend. We just left the party behind.

It wasn't until I'd reached the parking lot when I realized I did have some good advice I could have shared, but I didn't take the opportunity when it was given to me.

If I had, I would have shared my BIKE philosophy. "Find your BIKE," I'd have told him. "If you want to live a good life, making decisions that move you forward into a positive and productive future, find your BIKE -- It's mental, not metal."

In the next few weeks, I'll share with you what that means.

All my best,
~Jackie

Practice patience

I've had e-mails come in asking me this already, so you, too, may be having similar thoughts. You may be wondering by now if I'm ever going to tell you what BIKE means and how you can incorporate it into your life.

My response: Be patient.

I found this spiritual navigation guide after a very long journey. And, I believe, in order for it to be effective in your life as well, you'll need to follow a similar course. In order to fully appreciate it -- and then to embrace it -- you'll need to see the growth occur for yourself. People talk about "a-ha moments," the ones where you reach enlightenment about a certain question you might have. This will be one of them for you. If you open your eyes -- not only to see but to accept -- you'll experience complete awareness.

But that takes time, and you must take the journey first.

Here's an exercise for you:

Think about the last time you made a mistake, whether at work, at home, or with friends. Maybe you said something you wish you hadn't. Maybe you agreed to do a job you weren't qualified to do, or didn't want to do, and the task suffered because of your decision. Maybe you missed an appointment. Make a note of how you felt after the fact. And then make a note of how you responded to that feeling or to the people who may have been affected. This exercise isn't about judgment; it's about awareness.

You may want to keep a journal to record your thoughts. The journal will be a valuable resource as you make your transformation.

All my best,
Jackie