My Google alerts sent me several stories this morning about people who are getting divorced...country singer Shania Twain, actor Dylan McDermott (Didn't I just see him on a talk show not too long ago talking positively about his family?) and others. A writer colleague of mine today announced her divorce was final. And all of this news just made me feel a bit sad.
I'm sad that we can't work things out.
I'm sad that divorce is so easy.
I'm sad that we have to suffer through that kind of pain.
It reminds me of my own. And I don't think you ever really "get over" it. I believe I've written about this before. But, really, I don't think that you do. There will always be reminders.
So I guess I just want to say to you that when you arrive at those moments--those reminders--go ahead and feel them. Then let them go again. And try not to worry too much that the sadness might return. It probably will. But it's just a feeling. It's not who you are. It's not what defines you. It's just a feeling. Accept that it's there. Being able to feel your feelings makes you human. Being able to tap into feelings means you're a sensitive person. That sensitivity is what helps us understand each other.
If there's anything that you feel sad about today, post a comment about how you're dealing with it. Maybe your thoughts and ideas can help someone else.
All my best,
Jackie
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
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4 comments:
Anytime I hear of a breakup, it makes me sad ... having been a child of numerous divorces.
Today, I'm more frustrated than sad ... does that count?
But, according to a book I'm reading, all emotions boil down into pieces of anger, sadness, fear and guilt.
Personally, I have a hard time stopping at anger before getting to sadness and fear.
But we are still not our emotions. Our emotions can make us act in ways that others might call irrational. If it weren't for them, we might behave differently. To deal effectively with them, I believe, you first need to recognize the feeling (which you did) and then try to assess where it comes from. Generally, but not always, that anger, sadness, fear or guilt you speak of comes from something you did or didn't do--and not from other people's behavior. This is why we can so easily project our feelings. It's easier than taking responsibility for ourselves. Does that make sense?
At the same time, feelings keep us connected with other people. We can understand, for example, why someone feels sad about a friend's divorce, or frustrated that she can't help someone who is in trouble, or angry that a parent would hurt a child. We can relate. We think we know how we'd feel in that same instance.
But what do you mean when you say you have a hard time stopping at anger before getting to sadness or fear. Do you stay angry? Is that what you mean?
No, I don't get stuck in anger ... I skip over it and go straight to sadness and fear (aka depression and anxiety). In this system, the "guilt" part is about owning what part of the situation is your "fault."
I'm working on parsing out each element so that I can better understand and feel whatever it is I think I'm feeling.
I understand that.
Skipping past anger can definitely be more about fear and/or sadness.
Do you worry how others might react to your anger, if you were to actually feel it and, especially, express it?
In families where we are taught to repress our feelings, this is a very common behavior pattern. I'm not saying that's yours. I'm just saying it's possible. You'd have to talk to a therapist to really get to the heart of that.
Jackie
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