Who is to blame for your pain and suffering? Is it him? Is it her? Is it them? Does it have to be me? Why does anyone have to be at fault, anyway?
One of my guest commenters used this word, the "f" word, today, and it sparked today's thoughts.
The answer is "no" to all of the above. No one is to blame, necessarily, that is, if you can remove the word from your vocabulary.
Leave "fault" at the courts. Bringing it into your personal relationships--even your personal relationship with you--is like begging for conflict. Owning responsibility is not about fault. Rather, it's about realizing what you can and cannot control. The fault part is irrelevant. Slip that word into an argument, and the argument continues. Why? Because no one really wants the blame, at least not for another person's words or actions.
Even if I slapped you across the face, I'd find a good reason for doing it, and it wouldn't be my fault. That is, if that's the way I processed responsibility. And believe me, I did process it exactly like that at one point in my life.
I can remember an argument I had with my daughter, who was a teenager at the time. She wound up getting so angry, she spit at my face. Do you know what I did? I spit right back at her. I was the adult, and, yet, there I was, acting just like the child. It was ridiculous. My behavior was ridiculous. I allowed anger to control me. It didn't matter what she had done. To this day, I couldn't tell you why we were upset with each other. What I do know is that I really messed up. At that time in my life, however, I could not have accepted that. I wouldn't have. Of course it was her fault. She did it first, right?
Do you hear the childishness behind this story?
It's the perfect example of why fault is not the issue. Self-responsibility is. What do I have control over? One answer. Me. I'm not talking about the parent of a toddler, of course. That's different. I'm talking about two adults, really.
The bottom line is this: You are responsible for your feelings, your actions, your outcome. No one else. When you begin to look at your life in that way, then you begin to let go of the fault concept--the blame--and your challenges in life become less conflicted. You become better able to address them, deal with them, and move on.
Today, it might be a good day to consider removing the "f" word from your vocabulary.
It's something to consider, anyway.
All my best,