Blogathon 2012 -- Let the games begin!

Part of the celebration: new license plates!

The WordCount Blogathon 2012 has officially begun. Today marks the first day of 31 days of non-stop blogging with a blogging community you'll get to know during this next month here through BIKE WITH JACKIE. This time around my theme is all about the BIKE. In fact, to celebrate, I ordered new license plates -- vanity plates -- to represent my recommitment to the BIKE philosophy, or should I say my recommitment to write the book (memoir) about it.

As you may know, BIKE is an acronym that stands for what I see as the four key elements of who you are inside, what you're really made of, or, in other words, your core. It's a metaphor that leads you to:

1) find your Best self.
2) access your Inner strength.
3) develop your Killer instincts.
4) use your Expressive voice.

It's action-oriented. That means, it requires you to do something. There's good reason for that, and it's called taking responsibility.

Many of us were brought up without understanding who we really are, so we became what others wanted us to be, or what we thought others expected of us. We never stopped playing follow the leader, and we certainly didn't realize we could lead ourselves. I can what??? Nobody ever told me that.


Well, now you know.


Here, you learn a process that will show you how to identify the true core of your being. This identification as essential in order to live the life that best suits you. You. Not anyone else. To do that, of course you first must know yourself! It's not just me who believes this. "Know thyself" is a borrowed phrase from ancient Greece and before. Even Plato admitted it was a long-standing maxim when he used the phrase.

Okay, so while I'm not a Greek philosopher. What I am is experienced in the knowledge of what happens when you don't know yourself. You commit to relationships that are wrong for you. Been there. You take jobs that you hate. Done that. You say "yes" or "okay, fine," when you really mean "no." Do I have to tell you how many times I've done that? You could very well become a bitter person should this pattern continue. Whew! Shot past that one. When you don't know yourself, you act like someone else or for someone else. You don't feel like the you you really are, because you aren't, and you might not even realize on a conscious level why or that it's even going on. You don't have awareness.

But awareness is key.

I learned this first-hand during my bike rides to get through a three-year divorce. I witnessed the transformation and embraced it. What happened? Turns out that mind-body connection really works. I naturally used time on my mountain bike to assess and ponder what I was going through and how I wanted to respond. Taking in all the information that was coming my way -- advice from a good lawyer, financial consultation, friends' well-meaning jabs at the soon-to-be ex, and sisters on both sides who wanted me to "take him for all he's got" -- I processed. I knew right off that I wanted to respond in such a way that I'd be able to walk away from a marriage gone wrong with my head held high when all was said and done. I accomplished that. I didn't feel the need "take him for all he's got," I let the lawyers -- his and mine -- do their jobs. I just wanted my life back.

But first, I needed to reconnect with the me I knew I'd once been. She got lost somewhere between the "I do" and the "I'm done!" Intent on digging her back out, I wanted her to breathe air again. I believed in her.

And I'm not saying I didn't say or do things I shouldn't have, but I'm saying I made decisions methodically, strategically, thoughtfully, and I don't regret a thing. I could have had more. I might have had less. Whatever the case, I took care of myself. And I was able to do that because I listened and learned, appreciating that only I had the answers to how I would move past the unexpected pain. I had to trust I could take what was given to me and what I sought out for myself and use it wisely. Isn't that what we all really want when we're experiencing a life challenge? To come out of it still intact? To love ourselves when it's over?

Almost from that very first ride, I knew I was drawn to that bike for a reason. After all, it had been sitting in my garage for years. I hadn't ridden it but maybe a dozen times before. Maybe. So I knew there was a purpose to all of this. I just didn't know exactly what until much later. But I knew, and never let that knowledge stray. So I kept journals. Boxes full of them. 

And don't worry. This is not about riding a bike, though that's the tool I was drawn to use. You might be drawn to something else. Maybe running, hiking, sewing, fishing, boating, painting, writing, sketching, anything that is yours and yours alone. See, this is about finding that safe place to consider the challenges you're experiencing and to make sure you're responding in such a way that keeps you moving forward. It's your answer, not mine.

That doesn't mean you won't screw up, make mistakes and maybe even fail. What it does mean is that despite those screw ups, mistakes and failures, you will know how to overcome even those setbacks. They won't flatten your tire for too long. You'll be able to put the brakes on the stuff that threatens your success (even if it's just a mental pause, you know, like a negative thought or two or ten!), move them out of the way, and move on.

You'll be drawn to the things that will save you. You'll seek help where you know you can find it. You'll trust that you are doing what's right for you. And you'll walk away from your experiences feeling a sense of satisfaction and self-approval. You won't rely on others for that. And you will definitely reconnect with the spiritual guide you believe in to help lead the way. I think that, too, will come naturally, as we're all spiritual beings regardless of our awareness or lack thereof. That's what I believe.

If you don't know already, I teach what I call the "BIKE Lessons" in four-part increments, one letter at a time, to women in transition. I also give break-out presentations and keynotes to women's groups, business luncheons, and conference gatherings. My background has left me with a ton of stories to tell about each individual letter. It's why I can connect with my audience. Basically, I teach coping mechanisms, using the BIKE philosophy as the road guide. Just as my travel guide is a map to Arizona, guiding you to state thrills. My BIKE Lessons guide you to joy. Both are all about happy endings, and this is why I'm known as the BIKE LADY. It was a name given to me at a conference several years ago, and I've embraced it since then, mostly for the positive message it represents. Despite the challenges I've faced in life, I've had many things given to me, and that's what I want to give back: a positive return on your personal time investment. I want your time here to matter.

My BIKE is about moving forward. This is Day 1 of the Blogathon. For the next 30 days, we'll celebrate a sort of revival here. Maybe along the way, you'll reconnect with something that you've set aside and are on the verge or the fence about trying again. If so, I hope you'll share your story.

See you tomorrow? I hope so. 

Meet Kathy Murray, tomorrow's guest blogger

The WordCount Blogathon Guest Blogger Day is tomorrow. And for this year's event, we decided to add a Q/A interview the day before. It'll allow us to fully introduce you to our guest blogger, and give you a sneak preview of what's ahead.

Tomorrow, here at BIKE WITH JACKIE, you'll be hearing from the inspiring Kathy Murray. She blogs over at OUTANDEMPLOYED, where her focus is to help ex-offenders re-enter the workforce. We thought, because we both reach out to women and people in transition, we would be able to swap posts and provide another viewpoint for you to think about on your road to recovery--no matter what the recovery is. Remember, I've said before, truly, we are all in some form of recovery at some point in our lives.

But first, here are few things you might want to know about Kathy before she shares her thoughts with you tomorrow:

_Can you tell my readers a bit about your background and how it relates to the thoughts expressed and discussed here at BIKE WITH JACKIE?
Hmm….how much time do you have? No really, like a lot of writers, I guess I’ve had a pretty varied background... I grew up a shy, rather sheltered kid in a small town in the Midwest, but I’ve been fortunate to live all over the U.S. and overseas in London and Beijing, which has been life-changing. I’ve done stints as CPA, a magazine and newspaper reporter, an editor, journalism instructor, Chinese language assistant, a volunteer probation officer and most recently as a crazy sports mom (I’m in recovery now, hopefully).

Right now, I do mostly business writing for work, and spend my free time working on my blog OUTANDEMPLOYED, which grew out of a course I teach ex-offenders at the local jail in Fairfax, VA. Like the students I teach, I consider myself a work in progress. I think that’s one of the reasons BIKE WITH JACKIE resonates with me. So little of my life has turned out the way I expected. And yet, I’m excited about where I am and really grateful for all the experiences, good and bad. Along the way, I’ve become better at accepting that my BEST SELF isn’t about being perfect and relying on my INNER SRENGTH, but listening to my KILLER INSTINCT and trusting my EXPRESSIVE VOICE are daily challenges. Good thing you say this is a lifelong process.

_We discussed this on the phone briefly where you told me that you became involved in the volunteer work that you do with ex-offenders (as as well as offenders inside the jailhouse) because you were looking for a way to get outside of your comfort zone. Can you address any fears you might have had going into this work and how you addressed them?
Yes, I’d recently moved back to the U.S. after nearly 9 years overseas, where I got used to being around people who didn’t think like I did. It really made me stretch. I mean, in China, just doing the basics like buying food at the grocery store was an adventure.

Then suddenly I found myself back in a lovely but fairly homogenous suburb. I don’t want to give the impression that I decided to work with offenders out of boredom, it’s just that I needed to find a way to challenge myself again. I’m not a big organizer, so helping out the PTA wasn’t doing it.

I guess my initial fear – or maybe my husband’s was, couldn’t you find a safer way to get out of your comfort zone? I had worked with offenders as a volunteer probation officer in the past, but that was really before I had kids. Going back into a jail again spooked me at first, with the guards and all those clanging doors. But once I went into the classroom and started getting to know my students, that changed. My bigger concern became, how can I best help them? From that point on it’s really been a matter of asking the right questions and really listening. Even after working with offenders in the past, I still had some misconceptions about who would be in jail, which needed to be corrected. I’ve met people there who could have been my college roommates. They have advanced degrees, seemingly perfect lives, but still made a mistake.

_You mentioned that the other volunteers you work with have generally come from the system themselves, meaning, they've had a son or daughter who's served time in jail who then moved beyond their troubled and youthful days. This work became these mothers' calling. How did you arrive here?
That’s always a challenging question and one I’m not sure I’ve found the answer to yet. Or maybe I don’t want to know it. An editor I worked with early in my career on a fraud story, once said to me, “C’mon, you think like a criminal, you can figure this out.” I’m sure it was a throwaway line designed to inspire me, but I’ve always been haunted by it. No one in my immediate family has ever been arrested or in prison, thankfully, but I am descended from a long line of Black Irish stock, so I’m sure if you go back far enough with all that drinking and angst….I guess the bottom line – and this has become even more true as I’ve gotten to know more offenders – is that I can relate to people who cross the line and make huge mistakes. And I really like to hope they can find their way back. That we all can, I guess.

_We also discussed on the phone that you look for a common ground with those you might be working with inside the jailhouse, something aside from the fact that they are serving a sentence together. What is it that you've discovered? What are the other commonalities, and what can the general population learn from them?
Again, as I said in my answer to your previous question, we all screw up at one point or another in our lives. Offenders have made huge, sometimes irreparable, life-destroying mistakes that have landed them behind bars. But they’re human and like all of us struggle with frailties and weaknesses – and maybe more than most of us, with addictions, mental and emotional illnesses and really horrible upbringings. And yet, people are people, and in every session I get someone who turns out to be the leader, somebody who’s the peacemaker, the complainer, the talker, and those few who will only tell their stories privately, but when they do reveal incredible talents and strengths. If I didn’t meet most of them in jail, I wouldn’t know they’d ever broken the law.

_Can you tell my readers a bit about your blog and what your readers take away from your posts?
Sure. Right now OUTANDEMPLOYED is a couple of things, since I’m really still developing the blog. For ex-offenders who read it, I’m hoping first of all, that I’m giving them good information. I also hope they take away a sense that they’re not alone and that they can start their lives over if they’re committed to it. For other readers, I’m hoping that they maybe gain more of a sense that there’s no such thing as typical ex-offender and that most people who have committed a crime regret it deeply. Like anyone who’s made a mistake, they want to know how to make it right, serve out their punishment and move on.

_Since we're focusing on INSPIRATION this month here at BIKE WITH JACKIE, you'll be blogging about that topic for me as my guest blogger tomorrow. Can you give us a little sneak preview about what you'll have to say to my readers?
I’m going to concentrate on the EXPRESSIVE VOICE part of your equation. On what inspires my voice and my writing, and, by extension, how I live my best life. Ironically, it’s actually other people’s voices – the more different from mine the better. Whether I'm trying to understand people in a different culture like China, or in very different circumstances such as my students serving sentences – hearing someone else, or listening well pulls me out of my own head into – for lack of a better way of explaining it – the feeling, or heart place. Seeing the world from another person's point of view forces me to find that common connection. That always results in being not only more expressive, but more authentic and human. As writers working alone, I think we all run the risk sometimes of falling in love with the words and ideas in our heads and then getting stuck when what comes out doesn’t seem to work. I think this can also affect how we live our lives in general. It can be so easy to get caught up in our own stuff, when the antidote, the inspiration we're looking for, is outside of us with everyone else.

Thank you, Kathy. I look forward to sharing your thoughts tomorrow and hope that my readers will gain something new from your insights. See you then.

By the way, you'll find my Q/A today with Kathy Murray at OUTANDEMPLOYED. Check it out. If you have any questions for Kathy, be sure to come back tomorrow when she'll be checking in to answer them.

Slow down, world.

On Facebook, a writer I know, Jennifer Haupt, asked how you quiet your mind. She's getting some really good responses...thoughts such as shut off the power (electricity, lighting, etc.) at home, turn off the radio when in the car (I do this a lot!), and some obvious thoughts (yoga, meditation). You can probably guess my response. I get on my bike, of course. That's exactly what I do to quiet my mind when the quiet doesn't want to come.

Her question inspired me to think about this a little longer.

Bike riding relieves stress

The repetitive motion of riding my bike not only helps relieve any stress I might be feeling but really does help slow things down. It allows me to think about a challenge that's getting to me or to not think at all. If I ride long enough, time won't even be an issue. I'll get so lost in thought or motion that an hour will have passed before I realize the time. If you're the type who thinks you can't spare that half-hour to exercise, you'll be surprised by how quickly time flies when on the seat of your bike. That might be a good enough reason to ride, if you're looking for one.

And when I need to slow down my entire world, meaning there's just too much to do and I'm feeling way off balance, my bike is a godsend. It allows me to connect with what exactly the challenge is that I may be facing and focus on listening for the answer. We all have them inside of ourselves. We just need to listen for them. That does mean we need to quiet the mind. A really long walk alone can be equally as helpful.

Hiking is a form of meditation

And I love to hike. Hikes through Arizona's wilderness really help me find focus, peace and quiet. That's why I love hiking with my boyfriend. We just returned from a long weekend in Greer, Ariz., where we spent two days hiking near Mt. Baldy (home of Sunrise Ski Resort). The wilderness is one of the few places where I don't mind not engaging in conversation. And he likes that, too! In fact, I want it to be as peaceful out there as possible. Words come only when necessary. Thoughts don't have to be shared. And the sounds of nature finally get to have their say. I like that.

Asking for help slows down your world

Another thing that helps slow down my world is asking for help when I need it. I've been doing that a lot lately. Promoting my book has taken up so much of my time that I finally realized I needed to slow down. The ideas are running so rampant, and I want to do them all, and I was trying to do it all--by myself. But it became too much. And I had to admit I'm unable to get it all done. So I ushered in some help--a marketing pro, a public relations pro. They're helping me with my brand, with publicizing my book.

Yesterday, after a long chat with the public relations gal I hired about what I needed to accomplish--and she told me what she needs from me in order to do that--I hung up the phone and immediately sent her all the information I could. And then I felt such relief.

"Whew!" moments create room for growth

It was one big "whew!" moment that opened up room for a renewed energy. And that, in turn, allowed me to do other work I need to focus my attention on as well. Slowing down in one area of life means you can speed things up in others--wherever it counts most at the moment. And my PR pro has already sent out one PR notification. That's amazing to me, as I wouldn't have been able to get that done today. Overwhelm just wouldn't let me.

Have you found this ever to be true in your own life? Is there an area of your life right now where you could use an extra hand? Are you asking for that help? According to BIKE, that's using your Expressive voice. As the holiday season begins to approach us, I bet there will be plenty of tasks you could use help with. Do yourself a favor and don't forget to ask for it.

Next on my agenda? Get a housekeeper. I definitely need help with that. How about you?

What's so great about grief?

As I deal with the death of my brother, mostly the sadness I can't seem to shake, I have looked to my BIKE work to find the opportunity in the obstacle. I asked myself this morning: what could that be?

Here's the simple answer: the realization that my support group is out there waiting for my call.

I only need to use that E, the Expressive voice, to find it. With my mental BIKE in place, I am reminded to reach out and ask for what I need. Whether it's a hug, a visit from a friend, a phone call, a pat on the back, a few words of comfort...whatever it is that I may need right here in the physical world, it is up to me to ask for it.

Thus, my question for you today is this: Do you know where to go to find your source of support? Make a list. Realize that your source of strength comes not only from the spiritual guide within but also from your friends, family and colleagues who are there, waiting for your call.

Trust that they are there for you.

Speak now...or forever hold your peace

My former pastor used this line the day I married the man I'd divorce ten years later.

"Speak now...," he told our family and friends sitting in the wooden pew of our church. But to whom was he really saying those words, do you think? Was he really saying them to the audience, or was he giving the couple before him one last chance to be honest before making what is expected to be a lifelong commitment. Wasn't he really making the point hit home that wedding vows are more than just words and signatures on a piece of linen paper? Wedding vows involve trust and faith and honesty--to yourself and others. Wasn't he really talking to me and my former spouse?

On that day, I married a man I had an inkling I shouldn't. I'd even postponed the wedding once. But I eventually married him, anyway. I was committed. How was I supposed to know he really wasn't? I had an "inkling," that's why. I recently had a conversation with a girlfriend who'd once done the same thing. And I even have a male friend who'd done this also. Not surprisingly, not one of us are still married to those spouses.

We did a few things wrong when we said our "I do's." For one thing, we didn't listen to our gut. Each of us had more than just the pre-wedding jitters. We were each having conversations in our heads about the mates we were about to marry. Maybe those inner thoughts came early on in the relationship--most do--or maybe they came later. Maybe they even occured at the time of engagement, when I said "yes" but meant to say, "No, it's too soon. I'm not sure." No matter. Whenever that internal dialogue arrived, we chose not to listen to it. The words were the warnings that could have kept us from making a mistake, but we chose to ignore them, to push them away, to believe they involved false fear. We chose not to listen to them. I say chose with good reason. Hopefully, all three of us can look back on the decision made on our wedding days and realize the choice really was ours to make, mistake or not. We did it. We have to own it.

The second thing we did wrong was refuse to "speak now." Not only did we not listen to our gut (our natural and internal security system), but we refused to talk about it out loud. Once again, we chose not to speak out, speak up, or "speak now." We forever held our peace, as the phrase goes.

Why do we do that to ourselves? Ignoring gut instinct, not speaking out loud to someone about our fears or concerns, it's not something that only happens at weddings. It happens daily. It happens to many of us. It gets us in trouble. So, why do we do it?

We do it for several reasons, one of which involves the family of origin. We learn early in our lifetimes whether or not to pay attention to those warning signals. If you grew up in an openly peaceful atmosphere, where you were listened to and loved unconditionally, where you could express yourself without fear of being reprimanded, you probably learned to pay attention to your gut. You learned to trust what your body was telling you. You learned how to be honest with yourself and others. If, on the other hand, you grew up in a household of uncertainty and insecurity, where there was addiction, where the authority figures in your life were unhappy. If you worried about making too much noise as a child, or, worse, if you took on the job as people pleaser because you just wanted everyone to be happy, you probably learned to ignore what you really felt. You probably learned to turn off the gut instinct. You learned that you couldn't trust your feelings. They might reveal too much, and then you'd have to deal.

As a child, you don't know any of this. You don't understand it. It's not until you begin making mistakes as an adult, and the mistakes start adding up, that you have to finally begin paying attention. If you don't, you're doomed to continue failing or not living up to your potential.

As I've said many times here, it was the wake-up call that tuned me in to my gut instinct.

If I hadn't had that, if my then-husband hadn't come home to tell me about his sexual addiction, I might not ever have known I even had a tune-in problem. I would have gone on ignoring my feelings. After all, I didn't have anything to go on other than "feelings," and what are they?! So what if he wasn't a very emotional guy, if he kept his feelings to himself, if he couldn't seem to relate to me on an emotional level? So what if I felt alone when I was with him? He was still here, wasn't he? Wasn't he? I didn't understand the full significance of what I was even thinking back then, let alone the feelings. But his revelation woke something up in me that forced me to pay closer attention. It was his truth. He finally chose to be honest with me, and I could finally admit there was a problem. He stopped hiding behind his, and I could stop hiding behind mine.

To this day, I don't know why he did that. But I'm grateful. It forced me to see the error of my ways, that I'd known something was wrong all along, that I'd been right to question myself.

If you are experiencing internal dialogue that you've chosen thus far to ignore--because, maybe, you don't like the message it's suggesting--my challenge to you today is to chose to listen to it. I've said this before, but I'll say it again (because some messages are worth repeating), your gut instinct is sometimes the only way you have to know if you're on the right track...or not. If you've been questioning a decision you need to make, if you've been stalling, if you're unsure, then I urge you to pay attention to that uncertainty, especially if this uncertainty comes with headaches or muscle spasms or a skin rash. Journal about it. It could be that your mind-body connection is trying to tell you something.

Then, when you can muster up the courage, decide to be vulnerable enough to have the conversation with the person your uncertainty involves. I call this your Expressive voice--it's the E in BIKE--and the voice needs to be expressed.

Speak now. There's no better time.

All my best,
Jackie