Recovery: Letting go

My New York-based friend Irene Levine writes a blog about friendship to go along with her book and work on the same topic. Yesterday she referred her friends to the goodbye column written by Ellen Goodman over at The Washington Post. In her final column for the newspaper (Goodman's retiring) that ran yesterday, the journalist writes something that caught my eye. She writes about the "Graceful Exit." She writes about letting go.

So we begin the lessons on Recovery this month with "Letting go," because it can be an empowering way to begin the process. And don't fret over this, but let me share with you a secret: Recovery is a lifelong process. That is in no way meant to be a negative. That's definitely a positive. It means you continually get the chance to make a fresh start. We'll never stop making mistakes, missing the mark on something, doing something we wish we wouldn't. We're human. We don't do it all 100 percent. We won't give it all 100 percent. We won't be perfect. Ever. So, it seems to me you're empowered when you realize you always have the opportunity for a fresh start. When you let go, you've gained an immediate sense of liberty. It's liberating to know you get those do-overs--however many you need.

But first you must let go of something.

So let's start with the past. You're hearing a lot of people say something like, "Thank goodness 2009's over. It was a horrible year. I'm ready to let that one go." It's a wonderful exclamation of the freedom I'm talking about today. It means these folks are focusing on moving forward. Letting go. Moving forward. It doesn't mean you forget. To me, it means not holding on to that which holds you back. It's not about pretending nothing ever happened. It's about letting go the grudges, being able to forgive someone of something, accepting what you can't control, being okay with what IS. It's about letting go the FEELINGS that can tie you down.

The great thing about "feelings" that we don't always recognize is that they are fleeting. Holding onto them essentially means you're holding onto an energy that might not even be there tomorrow. Ask yourself this question: Have I ever been worried, for instance, about something I said to someone and they didn't even remember what I said? Have I ever fought with someone, when, not one month later, neither of us could remember what we fought about? That's the kind of stuff you might be ready to let go of in 2010.

Goodman's column quoted something about the "Graceful Exit" from somewhere that I really latched onto when I read it:

"There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over--and to let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity or its past importance in our lives.

"It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on rather than out."

I particularly related to the line about "leaving what's over without denying its validity or its past importance in our lives." That's why I say letting go isn't about forgetting. Our experiences teach us lessons. If we forget events, we may forget the lessons as well, which means we may have to learn them all over again. That might lead to uncomfortable or miserable experiences that we've already had. Keep the lessons, but let go of the hurts, if that's what led to them.

Today, let's agree to resolve to let go of what has been holding us back. If it's a friendship that's gone sour (Visit Irene's blog above to learn more about this topic), if it's a job that isn't working, if it's a bad habit, today resolve to let it go. Take it one day at a time or one step at a time, if that's what it takes, and begin to move forward rather than stay behind.

If there is something in your life that you need to let go of, beginning today, tell us what it is right here and also how it's been holding you back. Sometimes, just the act of writing this stuff down can bring about a clarity you didn't even know you needed.

Let it out and let it go.

Find your refuge in 2009

On a visit to Jerome this past year, I stayed over night at the Surgeon's House. The owner has created a refuge for the guests who join her. The rooms are decorated with keepsakes from her childhood and local artist paintings of the historic home. The breakfasts she makes out of love; you can taste it in the way she presents it and serves it to you on china with silver and ironed linens in a dining room filled with antique furnishings.

The community space includes handcrafted iron railings, balconies, secret gardens, and hidden walkways like the one pictured above. This one begins at a gate that opens up to a fence lined with rustic Noah bells. Ring them, and the sound is said to release negative energy and help inspire the day ahead. At the far end sits a bench where you can rest, reflect and observe your surroundings.

Located high up on a hill, you can see the former ghost town-turned artists' community down below. You can see the red rocks of Sedona and the San Francisco Peaks near Flagstaff in the distance. Behind you is a mountain with the big white letter J painted on the side. In front of you are koi ponds, fountains and various plants and flowers that mostly bloom year-round: jasmine, rose bushes, day lillies, gardenias, irises, daisies and more.

Each morning, you'll find the owner of this B&B in her kitchen, sitting at a table with her legs crossed, meditating over tarot cards. She lights candles and incense, surrounds herself with beautiful things, and this is how she begins her day. She understands the importance of finding your refuge, knowing who you are at your inner core, becoming aware. She's created a space to do that for herself and where you can come to do the same.

Invited to stay with her, I was working on my trave guide when I was in Jerome this last time. I've vowed to return to this hilltop site another time, however, as I felt an inner peace there that I couldn't quite fully reach as I was working and interviewed her and the guests she invited over for me to meet. My next journey there will be more about reflection. A weekend retreat could provide that, and I know I'll return there this year. I'm drawn, and when I'm drawn somewhere, I listen and follow.

In the year ahead, think about where you'll go to find your refuge, what you'll do, how you'll fit it into your tight schedule. If something's been calling out to you in your subconscious, give the call a voice. Let it be heard. It's clearly telling you something important.

Perhaps it's saying you need time alone. No matter how difficult it may seem, trust this is true. Yes, you work all day and then may have to prepare dinner for the family in the evenings. Yes, you must get the kids to after-school activities. And, yes, there is shopping to do and your favorite TV shows to watch. Don't forget there is also a YOU to look after. Finding your refuge is one small step you can take to do that in 2009.

I hope you'll have a happy new year.

P.S. If you visit me at The Phoenix Traveler, you can enter a giveaway for a special treat from the Montelucia Resort.

Self-improvement: the journey begins with you

About this time of year, we begin to examine what we've accomplished in the past. Whether it's this past year, the past five years, or in our lives up to now. Some of us will come up with New Year's Resolutions. Some of us will just create a list of more things to do. And some of us will continue moving through life without a plan.

I'm a planner myself. I like to have an idea of where I'm going before I set off on the trail to find whatever it is I'm looking for. I do kind of like to know what's up ahead. But sometimes, that's not possible. Up ahead may be obstacles I'm not aware of or don't know might step out in front of me, trying to block the way.

If this happens to you, do you know how you will respond? Will you accept the obstacle for what it is and work toward figuring out a way around it, over it, or under it? Will you stumble and not know which way to turn? Will you stand still, paralyzed from fear or shame or guilt? Perhaps you just might sit down right there on the path and wait for someone to come and show you the way out.

If you intend to continue moving forward in 2009, it might be a good idea to get to know your personal philosophy when it comes to dealing with obstacles. There is no wrong or right answer; it just has to do what will work best for you in your situation. And it's a good idea to have options to consider, so you have processes to can test to find your answer.

With the world economy the way it is, we can all relate to a bit of uncertainty that may not have been there this time last year. The benefit of this is that it means we are not alone. I think that's a good message to take with you into the new year. Know that you are not alone.

As you continue to improve your life, creating the success you know you deserve, help me help you and others out there to create a plan that will work for each of us. In order to move beyond the obstacles that we have experienced in the past, are dealing with now, or might face in the future, post a comment today. Tell me about the strategies you've found most helpful to overcome any of the following:

_a divorce
_the loss of a job
_death of a close relative
_guilt from past mistakes
_unresolved relationship issues
_difficult work environment
_financial concerns
_overscheduled calendar
_transportation problems
_household budget challenges
_unimployment

At some point or another in my life, I've experienced all of the above, and I can tell you from this experience that you will never be without a challenge of some kind. Life comes with lots of layers. That's what makes it most interesting. You'll confront good things, sometimes really awful times, and frequently surprising outcomes. Although we may not always know how to prepare for something that might be upsetting, might seem difficult to handle, or might result in joy we didn't even know to expect, the unknowns won't matter so much if you're prepared to respond, no matter what.

Together, we can offer suggestions, thoughts and ideas that might help. You see, it's called self-improvement for good reason. That's where the journey begins.

Thanks, in advance, for your comments.