What Chris Brown needs--peace, compassion

The much-hyped interview with hip-hop star Chris Brown on CNN's "Larry King Live" doesn't reveal all that much, that is, if you want details about what he did to his one-time girlfriend Rihanna, a pop star.

What it does reveal is that he's not telling the whole truth to himself.

_It doesn't matter much if he says he remembers (or doesn't remember) what happened the night he knocked the crap out of his girlfriend. That he won't use exact language? Now that could matter.

_It doesn't matter that he ran home afterward to confess to his mother what he did. Perhaps he did that out of fear; he wanted her to protect him from what he'd done.

_And it doesn't matter that he thinks he's not as bad as his stepfather was (a man who continuously beat up Brown's mother) because he says, after all, "I feel like he enjoyed it."

So what? None of that matters.

What matters now is what he does next.

Will he get the therapy he needs? Will he serve his community service without reservation? Will he relinquish himself of the shame and look, instead, for responsibility? That fact that he pled not guilty speaks to how he really feels about what happened. But that doesn't have to be the end of it.

What Chris Brown needs to do now is what all people who grow up in a house where violence, substance abuse (?) and dysfunction reign--he needs to take a moral inventory. He needs to write out who he thinks he really is, where he's having trouble connecting with who he thinks he really is, and what he might be able to do about it. He needs admit the truth to himself before he can admit it to others. Otherwise, he's just playing games. He needs to learn how to be the person he thinks he is, and not pretend anymore.

It seems like he might have started the process, as he admits the Chris Brown that beat up the girlfriend is not the Chris Brown he wants to be. I think I heard him say "want" on the show. But inventory doesn't stop there. You don't assess who you are just so you can be interviewed on national television, hopefully, so the public will think you're on the right track. You have to keep doing it so you can heal the wounds. Clearly, the boy is wounded from his own childhood.

I hope someone tells him that no matter how much he may think he still loves Rihanna, he has no room in his life for women right now. He needs to first make sure he can love himself. A man who abuses others abuses himself first. There's no way around that. You cannot hurt someone else and think you're untouched by that. Impossible!

Chris Brown needs to make room for finding out who the real Chris Brown is and making sure it's a Chris Brown he can love and who won't hurt again.

If he's on television saying things just to make himself look good, or if he's convinced himself that he's okay now, he's not telling the truth. He's not there yet, and he can expect himself to find more trouble waiting for him just around the corner. If he's kidding himself, it won't be long before he gets angry at something, or at someone, and lashes out. If he's kidding himself and if others are enabling him to do so, he'll more than likely hurt again.

Oh, maybe he won't "enjoy" it, as he says his stepfather did, but that's such an irrelevant statement. Pain is still pain, no matter the motivation that causes it. That's a lie he's picked up along the way, and the fact that he believes it tells me he has much more work ahead.

So let's pray that he will surround himself with people who will help him move in the right direction, with people who will stand up and step up. Let's pray for peace and compassion: peace that Chris Brown is and will continue to work hard to overcome his past hurts so he won't hurt others in the future; compassion, because if you understand dysfunction, you understand that it runs deep. You still have a choice to live your life differently, but dysfunction grabs the soul and holds on tight. It won't let go unless you keep telling it to let go. And that takes practice. Chris Brown has to learn how to live the life that illustrates who he wants to be. He can't just say it to be it. He has to act.

And that takes time.

For his sake, let's pray Chris Brown gets it.

What do you think? Do you think the hip hop star is headed in the right direction? What do you think he needs most?

A rape victim's response

I've been following the Jaycee Dugard case coming out of California for various reasons. First, it's an unprecedented case. The young girl was kidnapped as a child and 18 years later found--alive. Her kidnapper raped her, impregnated her at least twice (she now has two children), and transformed her life in ways most of us could not imagine. And second, it's clear that she has quite the ordeal to overcome.

It will take time. It will take her family's patience. It will take, as news reports are rightly suggesting, a lifetime of therapy. And the issues she'll have to face may not be textbook stuff. Therapists will have to consult each other. Her family will likely misunderstand. And her children will have their own issues, creating an even greater challenge.

Jaycee Dugard will need to rely on everything I teach here--and much, much more--to overcome what those outside of her circumstances probably see as horrific. Even those who are and will continue to be charged with helping this young mother re-enter "normal" society may never fully understand how she sees it.

But I watched the taping here on "Good Morning America" this morning of one of the kidnapper's prior victims. In the mid-70s, a woman named Katie Callaway Hall was also raped by this man. He was convicted of that crime and sent to prison--a 50-year sentence just for the rape conviction. He (and pardon me for not including his name; I don't wish to give the guy any further recognition) received a life sentence for the kidnapping charge, the news report suggested. Sadly, and for reasons only the legal system can explain, he was let out after less than 11 years. The criminal, a registered sex offender, went on to commit the same crime again. Jaycee Dugard was allegedly his victim this time, and possibly her two children as well. Police continue to investigate if there are others.

As someone who has experienced sexual abuse, these kind of cases disturb me for obvious reasons. But I know we can learn from them as well. Hall is a good example of what we can learn. When asked what she might tell her rapist if she ever saw him again, though holding back what might have been much stronger language, she responded with the word that says it all:

"Goodbye."

Peace and compassion

I just got word that a family member is dying. If you know anyone who is dealing with an addiction, of any kind, and is in need of extreme healing, as my family member is, would you set aside a few moments today to pray for peace and compassion?

Thank you.

My book: Backroads & Byways of Arizona

Kermit Hummel, editorial director, Countryman Press, had this to say today about my book (so I am told by Kim Grant, the acquisitions editor):

"...just went through the proofs for Backroads & Byways of Arizona. What a splendid little book. It just makes the place incredibly interesting and varied. Great job on this by Jackie Dishner."

You must celebrate your successes, so as they say in Twitterland, "Woot!"

Women in transition: how to move forward

To transform your life in transition, no matter what obstacles you're facing at the moment, take advantage of my BIKE philosophy. In a nutshell, this is how it works:

Part 1:
Decide what it means to be your Best self.

Part 2:
Believe that you can draw on your Inner strength to deal.

Part 3:
Trust those Killer instincts of yours (that's your inner guide) to show you the way.

Part 4:
Use your Expressive voice to ask for help as needed.

Each Part of my BIKE philosophy requires Awareness. You must know who you are at your core. The four parts of the mental BIKE will tell you who that is. It's about awareness. Ultimately, awareness leads to healing, healing leads to growth, growth moves you forward.

It can be that simple.

Your thoughts, questions, concerns?

(Photo above taken by Jackie Dishner at the mine museum in Jerome, Ariz., 2009)