Recovery: Using reminders

You may notice that I repeat myself here at BIKE WITH JACKIE. There's good reason for that. I don't mean to bore you. What I'm doing is giving you reminders.

Without reminders, we all too easily forget that which we want to do, think we should do, or really, really need to do in order to create change.

During Recovery periods, the expectation is that change will occur. The old will be made new. Think of what's happening in Haiti right now. The earthquake destroyed Port Au Prince and other parts of the countryside. Buildings have toppled. Lives have been lost. Lives have been altered. In order for the people who live there to find peace again, Recovery from the resulting wounds will be necessary. It will take time.

This is the same process for anyone who hopes to overcome a loss or tragedy, or for anyone having to give up something for whatever reason. You must adapt. You must relearn. You must accept your new role or new reality. Sometimes, the only way to do that is to be reminded of how this can be done. The people of Haiti are not there yet. But when they arrive at the moment when they can begin true Recovery, they, too, will need reminders of how this is possible.

So this week, we'll focus on reminders you can use to create the change you need in your life right now.

Do you have any idea what they might be?

Recovery: Breakthroughs happen

The dictionary refers to a breakthrough as "an act or instance of breaking through an obstacle." That's what Recovery is all about--breaking through those obstacles that threaten to upset your life.

Obstacles, by their very own definition, place objects, people or thoughts in the way. When they are there, we sometimes think we cannot get past them. They are, after all, in the way, right?

But you don't have to be a Super Hero to move them. You just have to want them moved. I'm not talking about "thinking" your way around, over, under, or beside them. I'm talking about DOING something to get those obstacles out of the way.

When you're facing difficult times in life, whether that involves work, family, or your own inner demons, we can be challenged to our very core. Depending on what that challenge is, it can seem like a test we are sure to fail. But when you're working your recovery--when you're reading about something you need to learn, when you're learning a new skill to help you get that promotion, when you're going to regular counseling sessions to work on your relationships with others or yourself, when you're exercising and eating right because your health depends upon it--breakthroughs happen. They happen because you're fighting for them. And they happen because you're ready to replace the obstacles with solutions.

As I've mentioned before, Recovery is about action. You have to do something about a negative situation in order to turn it into a positive. A breakthrough is part of the solution. It's the answer, but it isn't yet solved. You're half-way there. You just need to put it in place.

Take what happened to me today: I have a strategic plan for my business. I wrote it with the help of a business coach. But it's not moving me where I want to go. I've needed to tweak it a bit. But I wasn't sure how. This is a challenge that's been bugging me for quite some time. The economic situation has affected my earnings and my savings, and I've been concerned about the dwindling numbers. I thought having a strategic plan in place would help. But that wasn't enough. It wasn't focused on the numbers I need to earn. It was focused on things I still need to do, but not on the money I need to earn and how to get the jobs that will pay it.

So I get a call from my financial advisor yesterday, who says something I needed to hear, was expecting to hear. I even thought I would have heard it sooner. And there it was. I had to face it. We'll be meeting next week to discuss my finances and what I'm doing to replenish that which I've been taking out. He didn't have harsh words for me. Just honest ones. And I found myself moping around this morning with worry. He's right. My income level is not where it needs to be. I am taking out funds from my accounts because of that. And I haven't had a plan in place to correct the delinquency. So, instead of being able to focus today on the edits I needed to do (the work that earns the dollars and cents), I kept finding other things to do. I told you; I was worried.

Finally, I gave in to the worry and left the house. I grabbed a book, a newsletter, and a few dollars and went to Starbucks for some coffee and down time. Within an hour, while reading an association newsletter, I came up with the financial plan I need. It was a breakthrough moment for me. I now know what I need to do in order to meet my financial goals by year-end--and please my financial advisor in the process. You see, he's part of my team. I need him, and he needs me. We work together, or we can't work at all. I wasn't doing my part. But now, I can show him otherwise.

Now, when I meet him next week, I have a plan in place, I know what to do, and he'll help me carry it out. The worry, which was my obstacle in this case, is gone. And I can focus on my work again.

How about you? Have you had any good breakthroughs lately?

Recovery: Moving past the setbacks

In Recovery, if you think you're always going to move forward, you're wrong. You take "one step forward, two steps back." Just like the song says.

WTF!

I know. That really sucks. But it's true. So, let's just deal with the reality right here, right up front, and that is this: If you can count on anything in Recovery, you can count on experiencing setbacks.

I do mean the plural form, for more than one. I don't know how many, I just know those nasty little setbacks will return when you least expect them, and sometimes you'll know they're coming. Other times, they'll be so big and burdensom and heavy, yet manage to still sneak up on you. It'll be months before you recognize, "Oh, so that's why I've been doing that!"

I've been in the middle of one myself this past year. Yep, you heard me right. I said, "year." Despite so many successes in 2009, I've also experienced a setback--a long-term one that just wouldn't let go of it's choke-hold on me. I knew it. I knew I couldn't stop it. And I knew I'd get through it. I was just riding it out, so to speak, on my symbolic BIKE.

So I let myself feel bad. I let myself be angry. I stayed away from people when I knew I wasn't going to be good company. I took charge of my feelings and just went with it, because I knew they would pass. I think that's the best way to get through these kinds of obstacles.

For me, I could tell when I was acting out my setback. It mostly had to do with words; I said things that I should have kept to myself--to and about a particular person. And I knew it. But I just let those words escape my mouth, anyway. I'd say I felt better afterward, but I didn't. Not really. In one instance, I wanted to make a person feel something that he wasn't going to, no matter what I did or didn't do. In another instance, I wasn't trusting my gut instincts. I was falling back into my codependent ways.

So I read. I pulled out Melody Beattie's book on the topic and read the parts that would alert me to my bad behavior and make me confront myself. And then I realized that sometimes, I'm not going to do the right thing. Sometimes, I'm just going to feel what I'm feeling. And maybe I better write it all down, rather than put it out there where it really won't do any good. So that's what I did. I journaled.

In Recovery, you must believe you'll get through it, whatever "it" is. You must believe that you can go ahead and feel the bad feelings, that they won't hurt you any more than what caused them, that they are probably the right and true effect. Remember, in yesterday's post, I mentioned that feelings are fleeting. That means they'll pass.

If you're experiencing a setback right now, if you're in a moment where you recognize you are stuck--again--realize that's normal. It doesn't mean you won't overcome it. It doesn't mean you're failing. It just means you've probably found a trigger, something that pulled you back into the grief. From here on out, focus on what that trigger might be. Is it a person who reminds you of someone that hurt you? Is it that person? Maybe you had to come in contact with him or her for some reason? Did an event spark a memory? When you figure out what the trigger is, and maybe there's more than one, then you'll have an awareness that you didn't have before, and you'll be better able to cope with the challenge. You'll read a book that you know will help. You'll journal. You'll make a phone call to your favorite therapist. You'll take action.

Think of your setback as just another life challenge to face and then set aside when done with it. It's not your friend. It's not your enemy. It's just another challenge. And challenges are like puzzles. Once you figure them out, you don't have to do that particular one again.

Women in transition: how to move forward

To transform your life in transition, no matter what obstacles you're facing at the moment, take advantage of my BIKE philosophy. In a nutshell, this is how it works:

Part 1:
Decide what it means to be your Best self.

Part 2:
Believe that you can draw on your Inner strength to deal.

Part 3:
Trust those Killer instincts of yours (that's your inner guide) to show you the way.

Part 4:
Use your Expressive voice to ask for help as needed.

Each Part of my BIKE philosophy requires Awareness. You must know who you are at your core. The four parts of the mental BIKE will tell you who that is. It's about awareness. Ultimately, awareness leads to healing, healing leads to growth, growth moves you forward.

It can be that simple.

Your thoughts, questions, concerns?

(Photo above taken by Jackie Dishner at the mine museum in Jerome, Ariz., 2009)

Obstacles in the news

Turning obstacles into opportunities.

Based on the recent news--Michael Jackson dies and may have done himself in with some kind of anesthesia, leaving behind a legal swamp of concerns about his children, debt and finances for the family and lawyers to sort out; Sen. John Ensign (R-Nev.) announces an affair, as does Gov. Mark Sanford (R-SC); there is talk of a sex video involving former presidential candidate John Edwards and the woman with whom he is expected of having a love child; Gov. Sarah Palin (R-AK) announces she'll step down from office this month, just halfway through her first term; and the least newsworthy, in my opinion, Jon & Kate Gosselin are getting divorced--it seems there is a lot of need for this right now.

Consider, for a moment, that there are real live families involved in each of these circumstances. The stories behind the "news" stories--all of which, for the most part, are none of our business--are tragic. All I can say about them? Given the time needed, I hope the families involved work everything out to their satisfaction.

But it does make me think. I have lived and survived through many of these types of situations. I know many others who have also. None of us likely wanted to have to deal with the pain or the shame. But it was what it was. We had to find ways to cope.

I used my bike, for one, and it was a very important part of my healing. But a bike won't work for everyone.

To turn an obstacle, such as the death of a father, the betrayal of a husband, or the break-up of a family for whatever reason, into an opportunity is not an easy thing to do. It requires:

• the slow adjustment of attitude,
• some kind of compassion for yourself and others,
• a lot of patience,
• belief in yourself,
  
• and the rebuilding of trust, among other things.

And what does it mean, anyway, to turn an obstacle into an opportunity?

For me, during the time I spent dealing with a betrayal of my own husband, turning that pain into something that was no longer painful meant I had to be able to see beyond the tragic circumstances.

Turning your obstacles into opportunities can can be as simple as that. At the very least, it's where you must start. Without that kind of faith--and I do believe it is a spiritual faith--you could very well stay in the fall.

Here, we do not stay in the fall. We get back up. We brush ourselves off. And we figure out the next move. We decide we can--and will--do that for ourselves and for those around us who care about us. In our own time, of course. No one else can determine that but you.

So if I were advising any of these families above, I would tell them if healing is to be in their future, they should start first with the understanding that, if it does not involve death, the tragic part of the circumstances need only be temporary. You can move beyond it.

With faith--wherever you may find it--you can begin to move your burden further away from you, one step at a time.

With faith, with the ability to see beyond a misfortune, you'll be able to do things such as:

• Look for books and information that may help you understand your circumstance and the people involved in it with you.
• Look for ways to avoid hiding under the covers, even if it means watching black and white movies long into the night, just so your mind is focused on something other than your personal pain.
• Take a walk or ride a bike, allowing yourself to work off some of the stress. Maybe not for very long at first. But if you keep at it, you'll have the energy to push yourself harder.
• Reach out for help, realizing you are not alone in your grief.
  
• Do things that sound off-the-wall, overambitious, or out of character to to others. It doesn't matter. If you think it'll work for you, then that's what you must do.

You might try, for instance, taking an improvisation class or applying to law school. I did both of these things, and I chose them for one reason--I needed to rebuild my self-esteem. Anyone faced with tragic circumstances needs to do that, because tragedy affects who you are at your very core. It can turn your view of life upside down, and you need to find ways to right it.

If you think standing up on a stage, in front of strangers, and acting as if you are a monkey climbing a tree won't do anything for your self-esteem, you'd be wrong. If you make yourself take part in silly things like that, or crazy things, like take the LSAT (exam to get into law school) while you're in the midst of a painful divorce, you will certainly be on your way to recovery. It's brave to test yourself in this way. Be brave. Show yourself you have it in you to be brave, to force yourself past a difficult moment in life. Think beyond the norm for you.

And as far as these two things above go, you can't fail. Acting, which is what improv is, is more like play. Who fails at play? There's no right or wrong there. As for the LSAT, you might not get the best score on the test (if most of your time spent studying involves tears), but it's not a test you can fail. You can do poorly on it, and you might not get a score high enough for the school of your choice, but so what? You don't fail it. And the diversion from what else is going on at home is good reason to chose to do the extraordinary. No matter the outcome. It's actually the diversion that's important.

At least that was my excuse.

What I'm saying is that what's happening in the news to these public figures and/or celebrities is happening to us regular people as well--daily. Though it all seems so ugly as reported in the news, we'll likely never know if there's a positive outcome to these stories. The happy endings of sensationalism rarely plays out in the news, but hopefully there will be that. For you dealing with yours or for someone you know who is, just know this: There are ways to turn what might seem like a challenge too tough to bear into a challenge to overcome.

You just have to find it for yourself, experiment with different coping mechanisms: reading literature, signing up for classes, attending workshops, therapy, journaling, riding a bike...

It will, indeed, take a belief in yourself, just the tiniest at the first. It will take time. And it will take two now all-too-familiar words. But within the realm of your own definition, you can do it...

Beat it!

(By the way, I did not link to any articles about the stories/people mentioned above, because haven't you read enough about them already?)

Why follow me, anyway?

As an expert in overcoming obstacles and teaching people how to move forward despite them, I'm regularly quoted in national magazines. It's fun to be interviewed. At the same time, it's fun to let others in on a few good stories, too! Just thought you might like to know...

In the June issue of Family Circle, I'm quoted by Lori Erickson, who interviewed me for an article she wrote, "Retreat Yourself":

"I get away by sitting in the lobby of a local hotel. I don't check in but instead just quietly people-watch or order a glass of wine at the bar. Friends will tell me they want to join me, but I prefer going solo. I always take a book or a stack of magazines to read, just in case I feel like it. I consider it my 'pretend vacation' that I can do on the spur of the moment."

In the June issue of The Writer, I'm quoted by Kelly James-Enger, who interviewed me for an article she wrote, "How to overcome BURNOUT":

"I always try to learn a new skill each year, or expand on a skill I already know...and network. That seems to help me maintain enthusiasm for running a business that doesn't always provide immediate payoff. That kind of strategic planning helps me to stay focused on what's ahead and what I need to do to get there, rather than think about what's not happening now. In this economy, as unpredictable as it is, I'd rather focus on what I can do to get ahead and what bold action I might need to take. It's about staying positive, building confidence, and remaining competitive in the long term."