3 ways to elicit or solicit the support of your friends

When women go through transitions stemming from the start of a new business, the breakup of a relationship, or starting a new exercise regimen, we turn to our friends for support.

There's good reason for that. They want to see you succeed. And just maybe they want to succeed right along with you. We're like lemmings, we want to go where we think the winners are going. And the more, the merrier, right?

If you're in the midst of one of these transitions -- or something else entirely -- I ask you: Where are you getting your help? Are you're friends stepping up in ways you hoped they would? If not, maybe they don't know what you need. Or maybe you're not opening up to them. If you're unsure how to solicit support from your friends (Maybe you learned that's weak. It's not. It's actually showing you know how to access your Inner strength and use your Expressive voice.), here are a few ways to let them know how they might aid you in your transition:

1) ASK FOR IT
It's one of the oldest tricks in the Holy Bible. Seriously. Not to get all church-y on you or anything, but Matthew 7:7 in the King James version says right there in printed word: "Ask and it shall be given to you; seek and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you." Just like I've always told my children: If you don't ask, you won't get. It's that simple. Just ask your friends for what you need. They might not be able to provide it, but they might be able to tell you who can.

2) ASK FOR REFERRALS
I wasn't always great at this, and sometimes I'm still not, but I have a friend who includes in his email signature the following line: "Referrals are always welcome." You know what, every time I see that, I think, "Smart guy." I haven't yet copied the line in my signature (Have you seen my signature? There's enough there already. One more line? Probably too much.), but I do consciously work at remembering to ask for referrals where I think it's appropriate or might lead somewhere. And almost any referral can lead somewhere. You never know how your carpet cleaning guy might be able to help. Mine cleans a lot of carpets, so he might know someone who knows somebody. You know? Refer back to 1) and ask for it, especially when you run into someone who cannot provide what you need at the moment. As long as you're aim is accurate, they are in the position to refer. For instance, a writer who pitches an editor an idea she liked and would have bought if it wasn't already publishing soon is likely to refer you to someone they know might be looking for a similar idea, so ask for it. 


3) SHARE YOUR STORY
Your friends are the people who will listen to your ideas about starting that new business. They are the ones who care enough to hear for the 100th time about the scumbag boss or the lowlife boyfriend, as long as you're taking proactive steps to move on. Your friends are the people who process what you tell them. They remember what you're doing, and they relate to the struggles you might be having. They care enough that when they're out in the world, just going about their business, they buy you something thoughtful -- something they know will help push you if they think you could use the support. Last night, a girlfriend of mine handed me the ring pictured above. We were celebrating her birthday, and yet she bought me a gift. She'd been reading about my renewed enthusiasm with the BIKE on Facebook and wanted to help. By buying the ring and giving it to me, she was showing her support. It's the way humans connect. So share your story. Tell your friends what you're doing. They may not directly help you. But they will pat you on the back. They'll give you the high-fives. Or they'll present you with a gift -- a token that will remind you that your friends do care about your success.

Friends are the people who want to support you, who want to help lift you up, even when you don't ask for it directly. But if you tell them what's going on in your life, if you share, they will hear you. And some of them (Not all of them. So don't be too hard on those who don't. It might not be something they're particularly good at. One can't be faulted for that.) will intuitively know how to respond. You will both be the better for it.

Can you think of a time when you didn't ask for help, when you kept your worries or concerns to yourself? That's a form of isolation. How do you think it affected you? What could you have done differently?   

Staying True with Jenny Sanford

I just picked up a copy of Jenny Sanford's book, Staying True. I finished it in two days. That's how easy a read it was. It wasn't particularly enlightening, either. But it did give me a positive impression of the woman who wrote it.

Jenny Sanford, as you probably know, was married to South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. He was the guy who claimed he'd been "hiking the Appalachian Trail" last summer, when he was really "visiting" his Argentinian girlfriend. His trip became national news because the guy had disappeared for a while, and his state department people didn't even know where he was.

From what Jenny says in her book, it wasn't the first time he'd disappeared. He'd done it before. Apparently, he'd slipped away after a business trip, flying into New York to see this same woman.

Sanford's book isn't a tell-all, so don't buy it if you're looking for hot, juicy details about what happened to the crazed governor. Instead, her book takes you through the life she made with this man, including some of the clues she missed that could have warned her of what might occur in the future. She acknowledges it's just speculation, and you can never predict the way a person will behave.

What kept her married to him all those 20 years of sometimes really bizarre behavior on his part--he left an old clunker of a vehicle for her in the airport parking garage with directions to a party on her first visit to meet his family in South Carolina; he opted to leave town when she once had surgery; he kept asking for her advice about how much detail she should tell the press after they'd discovered his affair--was her faith. She believed in love. She believed in him and their family. And most importantly, she believed in her God to show her the way.

She portrays very eloquently how she winds up losing the life she expected to be her future, how her ideal was changed by her husband's adulterous ways. She doesn't do it in a way that makes you cringe. She's very matter-of-fact and accepts her own responsibility for this marriage gone wrong. Not that she made her husband cheat on her. Women cannot do that. We just don't have that much power, unless it's criminal. But she accepts that she might have created room to allow it to happen, mostly because she didn't believe it ever would--or could--and she had become far too independent of him. Perhaps she didn't need him, as she'd learned how to live without him because he traveled so much. The contradictory truth here seems perfectly normal to me, another former wife who lived that way with her former husband.

I did not find the book particularly moving, in that it didn't delve deep into the emotion. Even during the moment when she shares how she had to reveal what dad had done to her boys does she take the story where it could have gone. Simply put: I think she did more telling than showing. But it is told nicely, and in such a way that you understand exactly how her story unfolded. And you do feel sympathy for her, and even sympathy--some--for her now ex-husband.

I must confess that I hate seeing these stories in the news. I read them, however, because it seems to me to be part of my research for the work that I do here. I also hate knowing that men can cheat so easily. I know there are women like this as well, but I am just not friends with them, and you rarely read about them, anyway. I especially hate hearing the line, "once a cheater, always a cheater." I'd like to think this is just the media promoting this view, giving these guys a bad name. But I know better. These type of men do that to themselves.

The ones who will continue to do this to themselves--and others--are those who continue denying their own responsibility. Once they start playing the blame game, I think, they are in trouble, and they've already lost.

If you've been wondering whether or not you should read Jenny Sanford's book, let me tell you I think it is her attempt to explore her marriage and the husband she had in it and why he did what he did. She couldn't. So the book ends with her accepting that his values just don't match her own. She had to let him go so he could figure out his stuff, and so she could figure out hers.

You know she will. You close the book wondering if he can do the same.

Recovery: Say cheese!

I've often heard--and I'm sure you have also--that when you're getting your picture taken, you should say, "Cheese!" It's supposed to give you the most relaxed smile. It's supposed to make it look like you're not posing. Here's another suggestion:

Live in the present moment.

When good things happen in your life, smile about it.

When you do things well, smile about it.

When you make someone feel good, smile about it.

When you complete something you're proud of, smile about it.

When you finish a job that you've worked hard on for months, smile about it.

In other words, celebrate your successes--and if you must say it, say, "Cheese!"

Just a little something to make you smile. Have a great week!


(Photo taken after a speaking engagement at the Sedona Rouge, Sedona, 2010, provided by Christine K. Bailey)

NEW FEATURE!

Did you notice my new BOOK SIGNING feature?

It's on the right-hand side of this page, below the cover of my new book. If you click on that image, it'll take you to the page where you can buy my guidebook direct from the publisher. If you want to buy direct from me, you can check out the new feature--my schedule of upcoming signings. I'm updating this regularly so you can keep up with where I'll be selling and signing.

My next event is at Kiss Me Kate, a boutique shop with two locations--one in Phoenix and one in Scottsdale. I'll be appearing at both, on different days. Hope to see you there!