From yardwork to yardsticks

Momentum and pruning shears. What do the two have to do with each other?

Yardwork that might involve pruning bushes, mowing the lawn, or planting a flower bed is meditative work. It allows you time to just be. And giving yourself time to "just be" is good for your mental state of mind. You may not even realize how much your body craves down time. We spend too much time as it is worrying, thinking, obsessing about work, what to feed the kids for dinner, or that bathroom sink that seems to have a leak but will have to wait till next month to fix. Maybe you can see why down time is a precious commodity that is important to fit in as much as possible, especially when you think there's no time. If you look, you'll find it.

I just wrote yesterday about meditating, and I'm speaking of meditating again for good reason. Like yoga, which requires focus in order to maintain a pose, yardwork requires focus as well. If you didn't focus on what you were doing outside, you'd be like me and stab a pair of pruning shears in your arm--on accident, of course. Ouch! Or, you might even push the lawn mover right over your electric cord and have to end what could have been a very productive afternoon. Bummer.

All joking aside, I've chosen not to hire a landscape company to come and take care of my yard because I enjoy the process and the ability to give myself the time to do the work myself. On yardwork weekends, I get to spend time outside mowing the lawn and then adding fertilizer so the grass will grow as green as it can. I get to trim back the bushes--one of them is particularly unruly and requires a lot of patience--and decide which plants will go in what pots. I then spend time raking and sweeping up the resulting debris.

I particularly enjoy the moments where I have to sit on the ground around a ridiculously large pile of twigs and leaves from that unruly bush--a 20-year-old bougainvillea--and chop up the thorny mess into smaller pieces so I can stuff them into the garbage bag for trash day. I enjoy doing that because I'm outside, I get to chat with my neighbors who happen to walk by with their dogs while I'm doing the work. Sometimes, they even offer to help, and sometimes I let them. For me, yardwork is just generally a very relaxing way to spend a hot afternoon underneath Arizona's mid-day sun. Depending on how much yardwork I have to do--sometimes I have to skip a few weeks if I'm really busy with work--it can take me an entire day.

But it's a day well spent, and I love it.

It gives me time to consider what's going on in my life. And when the meditation is at its highest level, I won't have a single thing on my mind other than the moment I'm in. I might hear the sound of the clippers breaking through the bark, or maybe I'll notice the smell of my fresh cut lawn. Before I know it, my work will be done, and I can put all the equipment back into the garage and go take a hot shower.

I love the way I feel after a hard day's work like that. I may be bone-tired, but my mind always feels refreshed and invigorated, and I know I've earned a dinner out. I always go out to eat--either by myself or with friends--on yard days.

And the momentum I'm talking about? That has to do with the fact that I feel like I'm getting somewhere on yard days. I've made things happen. I've found a little bit of success in a week where I might not have had any otherwise. It symbolizes progress for me, and that means I know I'm moving forward.

Do you have a home project, such as yardwork, that you can use to illustrate your success on days or weeks that might not otherwise give you that feeling? If so, capitalize on that. We all have bad days, bad weeks, bad months, and sometimes even bad years. It's a good idea to find a routine activity you have to do anyway and turn it into your success project.

When I needed it, I used bike riding this way as well--as a means to measure my success. With each added mile, I saw progress. With each new hill I could climb, I saw progress. With each pound lost, I saw progress. It was hard to miss that kind of growth. I was building momentum by building my inner strength. I now use yardwork in a similar way.

Think about the things that you do regularly that you could use as your yardstick. If you can find a way to measure your progress (mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically or otherwise), you'll soon begin to see it as well. Visuals can be a very powerful thing.

Happy counting!
Jackie

Meditate on it

Even if you're not a bike rider--avid or otherwise--you can still use the BIKE acrynym to find your own spiritual navigation system.

Remember, we're looking for our:

Best self
Inner strength
Killer instinct
Expressive voice

These are the four ingredients of your spiritual core self--the part of you that knows yourself well enough to be able to handle even the most difficult of circumstances. If you don't know what it means to be your Best self, if you don't know you have enough Inner strength (or how to access it), if you don't trust your Killer instincts, and if you're not comfortable using your Expressive voice, you'll stay stuck in the past. You won't be able to move forward--not from heartbreak, not from anger, not from anything that holds you back. The reason is because you haven't taken the time to get to know what you're really made of on the inside.

We really don't learn this stuff in school, and a lot of times, not at home either.

And don't be confused about the word "spiritual."

BIKE isn't a religion. It's more like AA's 12-step program. And just like the 12 steps, BIKE requires taking personal inventory of yourself. I sometimes refer to the process as my 12-step program reduced to four. That makes it seem easier, but you still have to look deep inside yourself, reveal your flaws, and then figure out how to either accept them or change them to suit your needs.

What BIKE can do for you, once you've discovered your own path to a better you, is keep you from getting lost, help you find your way, and steer back to the best course possible. Notice I didn't say the "right" course. My therapist used to remind me all the time, "We're not judging. There is no right or wrong. There just "is"." So with BIKE, you don't judge your behavior, you just work on improving it. You look back only when it's necessary to move forward.

When your spiritual navigation system is set and ready to go, it means you understand you're following a path that is meant for you, and you alone, and that you won't always have control of where it leads (or sometimes you hand over that control to others by mistake). You know you need to "let go" of that and focus, instead, on that which you can control--namely, how you respond to the events that occur in your life.

Once your mental BIKE is in place, you will know how to respond. It's like working with teenagers, you pick your battles. Not all of them are worth having. This is true of life, in general.

I've given you this assignment before, in some version, but here it is again for the newcomers:

In a journal that you keep just for this, make a checklist of your traits. Write down the traits that you admire about yourself. Write down the traits you wish you didn't have. Include descriptive entries that explain your conclusions. Give examples of times you've used these traits when addressing challenges in your life. Especially consider the times when you knew you were stuck. Then look for patterns of behavior. Is there a pattern or habit that needs revision?

Because this process involves taking time for yourself, you don't have to write down anything right now. Hopefully, you'll be spending a lot of time with yourself as we learn how BIKE can work for you. But if you're not comfortable with the writing part for now--and some people aren't--then think about this while taking a bath, pruning bushes, or riding your bike. Meditate on it. You can write your thoughts down later. There is something about putting thoughts to paper that helps lead to solutions. So make sure, if you don't journal today, at least by a notebook.

I bet you'll soon want to write this all down. As you see your own growth occur, you'll want to do everything possible to see more. But be patient. You're on the road to recovery. Recovery from what, I don't know. That's what you'll discover on the way.

All my best,
Jackie

We're just practicing

I use this phrase a lot when talking to friends about difficult moments in life. We all have them. Sometimes, we get there because we made a mistake. Sometimes, we get there because the circumstances were beyond our control. Sometimes, we land exactly where we needed to fall in order to learn a lesson on how to get back up again.

This happened to me during my marriage. I married a guy I knew from the beginning wasn't right for me. But I chose to ignore my gut. I married him, anyway. And then I had to live with that choice. I accepted that, but I paid dearly. I finally learned my lesson when I decided to listen to my gut. I now pay closer attention to those inner voices. I'm not saying I'm perfect. That's impossible. But I do my best. Every day I make a choice to do my best. And I take time to listen, realizing it's okay to make mistakes, especially when you don't have all the information needed to make a better choice.

What I learned from my experience in a marriage that wasn't meant to be is that I can survive my decisions--no judgement necessary, not of him, not of me. I think it's important to remember that as long as we're living on this earth, we're just practicing. We won't necessarily ever "do it right." You probably know people who always seem to get it "wrong," if that's how you would describe it. They are the ones who wind up in jail, or in detox, or maybe even homeless. They are the ones who keep hooking up with the wrong partners, or continue to write checks that bounce, or stay in a marriage where they are continuously abused. They all know better, but they haven't figured out that they can do it differently, that they have the right to do it differently--even if it means offending someone or leaving someone behind.

Then again, that place that doesn't sound so great to you and me may be exactly the place where they need to be. And they may have to stay there till they learn their lesson. They haven't yet received their whack on the head, their ah-ha moment. We all get one from time to time, some more than one, and some of us need to get it over and over again until we finally decide, "I get it!"

It happens because we're all just practicing.

We're just practicing.

The beauty of those three words together is that they mean we get do-overs--even those of us who are repeat offenders. We all get a second chance to prove ourselves, or, to improve ourselves. That's a gift from a spiritual force that is beyond understanding. It means we have the power to bestow on ourselves that unconditional love we don't always get from other people in our lives. Isn't it nice to know you can do that for yourself?

The next time you find yourself in a sticky situation, and let's say you don't pick the best choice possible. Let's say you're dealing with the fallout from the mortgage crisis. Let's say you're one of those people who decided to just turn their housekeys in and call it quits. You're not paying another dime on a house that cost more than it's worth. Eventually, you'll have to deal with that. But once you do, once you've nailed down the solution, you will be able to try again. That opportunity may not come right away, but it's out there, waiting for you.

Or, let's say you've met a potential mate. You fall madly in love. You overlook all the flaws, because you just know they'll go away once you're married. But then you have second thoughts. Right there is your time to act. When we take time to realize we're just practicing, that's when we realize we also have the right to change our minds.

Even if you keep on making mistakes, time after time, as long as you realize this, you will never lose the opportunity to try again, to change your mind, to reconsider.

Should anyone suggest to you otherwise, just tell them, "You know, I was just practicing. And it didn't work out. I'm going to try something else, instead."

There is power in those three words. Be sure you know you can use them, at your will, under any circumstance.

This is why it's important to develop your Killer instincts. They give you the power to protect yourself when no one else can. And eventually, practice may even make perfect. And if it doesn't, it'll be close enough.

All my best,
Jackie

How you say it matters

In a phone conversation with a friend recently, we were talking about a problem she was having. She wanted my advice.

I listened to her rant on and on (Sometimes, complaining helps release the negative energy. So it can be good. But you do want to know when to stop.) and then I had to interrupt her in mid-sentence.

"Did you hear what you just said?" I asked her. "Are you listening to yourself?"

There was quiet on the other end of the line.

Then she spoke up, "What do you mean?"

Without going into her personal issues here, her challenge involved passive-aggressive behavior. She was upset about how someone was treating her, but she wasn't being direct in her response. She was beating around the bush, though she didn't realize it. Instead of telling him point-blank, "No, that won't work for me" or "No, I can't do that right now" or "No, I'm not interested", she was telling him things like "I wish you wouldn't do that" or "That really doesn't work for me" and such, expecting him to "get it," to respond the way she wanted, without her having to actually say it. And when her conversation ended with this person, and he wound up getting from her what she didn't want him to have (her time, her money, whatever), she was upset with him. In all fairness, she was really upset with herself, for not taking care of her own needs properly.

I explained to her why her response needed to be more direct. Passive-aggressive behavior allows the person you're directing it towards to interpret your response in the way that works best for them. It's not evil. It's not mean-spirited. It's human. We all want to get our way, including me.

The reason we behave passive-aggressively--and yes, I've done it, many times, before I became aware of my behavior--is because we know what we want, but we don't know how to ask for it. That could mean we're too timid, we don't trust our own judgement, we think we might be perceived the wrong way if we are direct. Or, maybe we've just never learned the appropriate way to get our needs met.

This happens all the time in relationships of all kinds. A good way to know if it's happening with you is if you hear yourself or someone say to you in an exasperated tone, "I can't read your mind." It's true. They can't. You can't. It's virtually impossible, and it's actually dishonest and unfair.

If you want your relationships to work at the highest level of honesty, you have to be honest with yourself first. That means you may have to do some truth-seeking to find out exactly what it is you need or want from either yourself, another person, a service, or what have you. If you don't do that, you'll wind up as my friend felt--completely frustrated. And worse, she wanted it to be about him. Okay, maybe he wasn't listening to her words exactly. Maybe he did place his needs before hers. But the responsibility to get what she wants rests solely on her shoulders, not his.

It's so easy to project our feelings onto others. It's a much better idea to avoid that by taking responsibility and owning your own words...and to let that anger be about you. Be mad at yourself. Then, you can convict yourself, forgive yourself and alter your response to fit your needs. The conflict may have a better chance of righting itself this way.

Therefore, how you say things does matter.

Here are a few questions that might apply to you today:

Are you really in the relationship because you want to be there?

Are you really making that move because you want to do that?

Are you really taking the job because you choose to, or do you feel forced into it?

Be honest with yourself. Say no when you mean no, and yes when you mean yes. Don't leave room for someone else to interpret your answer. And there's no need for explanation, either. You don't owe explanations or excuses for your decisions. You just owe an honest response. That way, the person you're working with can move on or work around your schedule. You can do what you need to do. And progress can continue, ending up with the best results over all.

If you're now wondering if you are exhibiting passive-aggressive behavior in your relationships, here's a simple solution: The next time someone asks something of you, take time to consider your response carefully, trust your judgment, and then offer a direct and honest response.

You'll be glad you did.

All my best,
Jackie

Body image unzipped

One thing is certain to happen when a long-term love relationship ends because of adultery, abuse or addiction--your body image will be affected.

When my husband left me for another woman, I spent a lot of time standing in front of the mirror wondering what was wrong with me. I let it be about my body--I was overweight at the time. I let it be about the color of my hair--he told me he wanted a blonde; I was a brunette. I let it be about my breast size--they were practically non-existent. He constantly suggested breast implants. To him, I would never measure up. And I was letting his ideal of what I should be get to me. I was buying into his poor image of me, when, in actuality, that was his poor image of himself. He was projecting, and I was buying into it. I had let his issues become mine. And it was destroying me.

It took me a long time to learn to be okay, to be happy, with who I was as I was. And it took me even longer to admit that if I wasn't happy with anything about me, I could change things. I could do something about it. If I didn't like the color of my hair, I could dye it. Not for him, but for me. If I didn't like the shape of my body, I could exercise and change that, too. Not for him, but for me. And if I wanted bigger breasts, well, I could buy those as well.

But I didn't necessarily want or need any of that.

What I did want was to be happy with who I really was. But first, I had to figure out who that person was, where that person disappeared.

Getting on my bike was where I began to rediscover her.

Of course, as soon as I started losing weight from the rides, I was thrilled. Who wouldn't be?! And I was smart enough to know that it wouldn't matter to him. Even when friends would say, "Wait till he sees you now," I knew better. And I didn't much care what he thought about me by then. I was learning to be happy with myself without needing anyone else's approval, and certainly not his.

That's a tough road to travel on, as you probably already know. If you're in the midst of this kind of struggle right now, if you're having a hard time with your body image, it is something you can overcome.

It's no fun spending any amount of time wondering if you're good enough for your husband, your lover, your partner, your friends or your family.

The person you need to be good enough for is you.

Today, promise yourself that you'll spend time making sure this is true, or that you're working toward that truth. How can you do it? Start by listening to your self-talk. The next time you hear yourself utter words that put yourself down, stop yourself. If you're saying things like, "I'm such an idiot" or "I'm never going to lose this weight" or "I hate my nose," stop yourself. Then, immediately find a way to turn that phrase around so that you're no longer discounting your self-worth.

Maybe you did do something that wasn't the smartest thing you could ever do. Maybe it is taking more time than you thought it would to lose those last 10 pounds. And maybe you are having a bad hair day, or maybe there is a pimple on the tip of your nose. The truth is, we all experience these things. They are not just your flaws. Neither are they the end of the world. If you can stop the self-talk that helps keep your self-image at its all-time low and affects your self-esteem, you can begin to reverse your perspective.

That's what you're working on here, your perspective.

You are good enough. You are smart enough. You are beautiful enough. But it doesn't matter what I say. It only matters how you perceive yourself.

Today, make it a point to look at yourself in a more positive light. Look in your bathroom mirror and tell yourself something flattering. Don't wait for others to flatter you. Learn to flatter yourself. Learn to rely on how you feel about you, not how others might feel about you. When you can do this, others will then see the same. You won't have to convince them. You won't even need to convince them. You won't even worry much about what they have to say about you at all. You'll have figured it out for yourself. That's what these BIKE rides are all about, taking the time to figure yourself out, taking the time to get to know you and become the you you want to be. When you give yourself this precious time, you're giving yourself a better life, an abundant life, a life that you deserve.

All my best,
Jackie