It's time to own the choices you make

You know, reading the news about the Mills-McCartney divorce settlement has me nodding my head.

I understand why the media, the tabloids especially, seems to be biased against Heather Mills; she doesn't seem to want to own the choices she's made.

She misrepresented herself in court. She failed to get proper legal representation when she could have afforded to do so. And she expected an outrageous amount of money from her soon-to-be ex. Not only that, but she tried to blame him for her stalled career. What's so stalled about it? She was invited to perform on the reality TV show, "Dancing With the Stars"? I'm sure she was paid for that.

There's no use trying to understand why she's done or complained about any of this. She'll have to reconcile that in her own time. But for those of us watching and seeing all of this play out in the media, we can learn a few lessons. And if she were to ever read this blog, here's some specific advice to Heather: Take responsibility for your own decisions.

The thing is, we get married because we want to. It's a choice. Sometimes, we're not aware enough to know what's really happening in our lives, and we make foolish choices about getting married, and to whom. Sometimes, our future mates don't reveal important past histories to us, histories that if we'd known about beforehand might have led us to a different decision. Sometimes, we don't want to know the truth; we want to make up our own because it sounds better. Sometimes, we just don't have all the facts to make the best decision we might otherwise make. Whatever the case, once you have all of those facts in order, or enough of them, it's in your best interests to own the choice you made in the past so you don't make the same ones in the future.

To do anything else is a disserve to only one person: You.

I feel sorry for Heather Mills. I really do. To read that she's bashing the English court system, that she's bashing her husband's attorney, and that, during a court proceeding, she decided to pour a glass of water over the top of this same attorney's head, it's clear to me that she has some anger issues to deal with. These people do not care about that. It's time for Heather to get some professional help and pay someone to help her begin her healing process, to help her let go of that anger, and to find out how she can take responsibility for her future in such a way that this anger will not color her decisions any further.

Otherise, she'll continue to live with her crazy behavior. It may subside a bit, but it'll be there, waiting to rear its ugly head the next time she feels she's been wronged.

That could happen soon enough, as she's been ordered to return paintings that the musical artist Paul McCartney himself actually painted. He let her keep the ones he gave her--That's nice of you, Paul--but he would like the rest returned to him. The court agreed. Reading what I have, I wouldn't be surprised if she returned them alright, but returned them destroyed.

My advice: Heather, if you're even a bit tempted to do harm to this man's property, I suggest you don't.

I can say this because I had a similar experience, on a much smaller scale, of course. I also had to return a very expensive piece of artwork to my husband. We'd purchased it together. I'd known about the artist for years. I'd followed his work. It was fun, and we had a few pieces. But this one, in particular was quite valuable, worth nearly $20,000. Because I had a contact, we were able to meet with the artist in person and buy the painting for half the list price. Of course, during my own divorce settlement, my husband at the time wanted that painting and several other valuable pieces of property. It's not unreasonable that he would. In the course of the divisions, I agreed he could have this painting.

But I will say that I did have my moment of regret about that, sort of. I mean, there were times when I wanted to run a knife through the canvas. That painting's image represented a fantasy dance, and I felt like that's what my ex had been doing in his secret life. I felt like that painting represented his fantasy life, the life he'd been living without me. It almost symbolized a slap in my face, I thought. It was a hurtful reminder. So, in truth, I was glad to be rid of it. If I thought for a minute that it had really meant something to him on an aesthetic level, I might very well have slashed the painting. But I'm glad I didn't. I knew that painting meant nothing more to him than the dollars it was worth. He doesn't appreciate art in that way. He simply appreciates its monetary value. But having studied art theory in college and having written about it in my own career, I know a painting is worth far more than its price. And more importantly, I knew my integrity was worth more than either of the two. So, yes, I was tempted. But, no, I did not succumb.

And this is the kind of information I processed from the seat of my bike. When I was out there riding, I was giving myself time to consider my choices carefully. I always wanted to come out ahead, with no regret, with my dignity intact.

If Heather Mills is not careful, she'll forget there are more important things than how much money you can reap from a marriage or a divorce. It looks to me as though she's pretty set for life, though. She was awarded $50 million. That's nothing to cry about, and it's not worth the trouble she'd find herself in if she enacted any kind of revenge.

And this is not to discount any of her allegations that she was mistreated by McCartney. If she was, then she'll have to deal with that on her own. As will he. But if that was just more of her misrepresentation, then it would be worth her time to take personal inventory of who she really is and who she really wants to be. The two might not be the same.

All my best,
Jackie